i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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