I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Randomize
