There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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