just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
