Don't make out with my wife yet
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
