Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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