Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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