Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
