my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
