mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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