i may or may not be watching the land before time
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
