The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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