I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
