Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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