my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
