I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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