seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Randomize
