I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
