i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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