I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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