You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
