me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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