HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Randomize
