I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
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