She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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