rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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