I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
