Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
