Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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