she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
