I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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