I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Randomize
