i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
