Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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