if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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