I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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