you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's rum buckets o'clock
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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