I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
