I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
