I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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