Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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