Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
