She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
