Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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