Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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