it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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