dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
