i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
