8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
