porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
